absolutelegend :D

the last post

2007-09-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

I dont understand, why isnt anyone around me who can understand what exactly i mean and understand me more. It was over, and time and time again im disappointed,by my own best friend,my best mate. This time was a big thing. In fact the biggest, you, never have known me and what i really want and hope from you after all. And you all, dont understand me either how i really feel. Anyway,i dont know what can i say anymore. Everything that ive said and did was nothing.If you had told me,i would have felt happy for you.But this is a huge disappointment. I dont feel hurt anymore.The bottomline is that ive never really existed in your life. My life still goes on,and futures still bright,im gonna leave everything behind now.. Thank you to all who never bother to tell me,especially you. No point updating about my life to a blnak,its so silly.. It never matters. Anyway, a toast to your happiness. :)

2007-08-29T04:03:00.000-07:00

While i was at SKII today guess who i met? Helen Sampoerna. I never expected her to look like that,her bodys like to heavy for her heels.. I was dreaming when she sat near me at the same time exchanging glances. In her mind she must be wondering if im a he or she again,if im a he,why do i have big chest? Holy crap,this is the thought that i always get from all the indonesian people here and im really getting so sick of this momentum. Okay back to dreaming,yes i was just thinking if she would ever be gay :D and if she is,i would hook her up with a paper bag on then swim in thousands and thousands pack of Sampoerna evry single day,until i die. Live and die as a chimney. But then again,i cant possibly live my life under that paperbag . no no no,i dont want this kind of suga mommy. She really need sessions at Marie's. Enough about Helen. Think of what real now. Ill be back in Singapore during December,ill be graduating on January. Theres really so many things that i have to mark in my agenda.

LISTS:

1.Need to party for real,(cus i havent had a decent one here.)

2.Need to get together with Jimmy,tiffany, if she will be back.

3.Need to find out where can my fashion show be held at.

4.Need to see and find models.

5.Need to find designers.

6.photographers.

7.Need to get together with all and sundries.

8.Need to shop!(so much things i have to buy)

9.Need to drink real starbucks.

10.Need to meet up with a lot of different people.

11.Need to be busy every single day.

12.Need to eat real MacDonalds.

13.Need to walk more(And only walk,im sick of four-wheeled vehicles)

more....

i cant wait till December to come. And hopefully everyones not out of station.

2007-08-29T03:33:00.000-07:00

This is really bad. Many customers are coming to school to find me for appointmentand im unable to attend to them. Why must it always be like when im not busy they dont want to come and when im not available,they all come as herd. Its irritating having to reject all the appointments. I dont know why im doing this errand for,my grade's at stake. A week of absence make so much difference. My teacher's not happy with me again. Shit. She called this morning and said all the dont yous like
"dont you want to graduate soon?"
"dont you think you should just come down here and consult your client and then do whatever you want later?"
"dont you think its unfair that they only want you?"
i went blank after the convo. Ive lost quite number of customers and i think rota must have hated me. Hell man,i didt know i was so famous and wanted ! :D It all reveals to me when im not there. -very widened grins.

2007-08-28T03:35:00.000-07:00

Oh please,this is so boring..im not in school right now,and i really miss school. i wonder what theyre doing today. Im with my sisiter, running some errands . Will be back in school by saturday. That is really long to wait .
Honestly,adapting in a different place from where you grew up in can be done. The proof is,im already adapted to the life in indo now but its just the communication that is still a problem. i cant seem to speak fluent bahasa,im always blabbering. But anyway,i love Surabaya and all those bikers. :D Really hope i could share this joy with meiwen and co. Meiwen,its really fun here. you should come soon!!!! Ill teach you bahasa. -chuckles.

2007-08-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

ive been asking my mum to let me learn driving but she never wants me to,and they always change topic when im at it. so i secretly learn bike instead from all my cool bike friends and now im riding bike. its fun but you die faster if youre not focused. my friend just got an accident outside the salon. poor her,her face was partially lightly-skinned. she suffered from a slight brain damage. thank God its all slight. the accident was really stupid,its all happen becus of her stupid jacket that got caught in her back wheel. was sent to the hospital,the craziest thing she could say was:"ahh,shit.there goes my clubbing plan tonight!" hello.. we are all so worried for her becus she was unconscious for almost two hours and yet all she could think of is she and her clubbing habits.
shes back at her hoometown now. healing.

sighs. i feel so alone and cold in this life of mine now,but ill live on with it. :/

2007-08-18T01:33:00.000-07:00

Setelah kupahami aku bukan yang terbaik
Yang ada di hatimu
Tak dapat kusangsikan
Ternyata dirinyalah yang mengerti kamu
Bukanlah diriku ..

Kini maafkanlah aku
Bila aku menjadi bisu kepada dirimu
Bukan santunku terbungkam
Hanya hatiku berbatas 'tuk mengerti kamu
Maafkanlah aku..

Walau ku masih mencintaimu
Ku harus meninggalkanmu
Ku harus melupakanmu
Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
Ku harus merelakanmu

Dan hanyalah dirimu
Yang mampu memahamiku
Yang dapat mengerti aku

Ternyata dirinyalah
Yang sanggup menyanjungmu
Yang ramah menyentuhmu
Bukanlah diriku..

this is a song by samsons,
and its dedicated to you from me.

2007-08-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

i have been super duper busy that i dont even have time to go online. and when i am,i will only check my mail and then mia again, i cant even breathe.
I will blog really often again when i have the time to relax and finally get to rest my ass on the chair.
Days are really passing so fast and dec is nearing,oh what should i do for my presentation,im still struggling. so many things to worry about and so many places and things i have to go and do.
Will be going to jogjakarta soon. I dont think im going back to singapore anymore,things are enough messy for me,not that im running away but i dont think im needed there and my presence will make situation weird,well it all doesnt matter anymore.Perhaps only this Dec for my show at DXO(maybe?) or somewhere else but of course Singapore. My models are all there.
Tan meiwen i dont know if you will ever read this but dont forget what you promised me,or you already did? I will skin you alive if you ask me what is it.
I miss everyone. And i really miss the days that i used to just slack and smoke and drink coffee with me and the other chimneys. I miss fishing!:)

2007-06-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

my brother left for jakarta yesterday afternoon,the home is much calmer now.
But the monotony is killing my mind.
As my mother never really talk to me,still i could see how much she misses my brother and how much she loves him.
She was really happy to hear from his call this morning.
We talked.
That lucky brat.
I dont even have holidays here.
Went with my mum to this seminar again today
for the fourth or fifth time.Its good.
Now ive learnt in life that the most important thing in a positive mind is health.
Without it,we cant do anything but to count the number of days that we are left inhabited in this earth.
Have you ever heard the saying of when youre on the verge of death,youll then know how to live?
No one ever knows what would fate bring them the very next day,and what would they do if it were to be tragic?
And what would we do if someone that matters to us so much were to depart forever at that very moment?
The mind would think that its gonna be okay somehow sooner or later,but have we ever thought about this..the memories created will always be embedded in our minds only especially when the person is gone for good.
You think so?
And never in our lives we would see them again as much as we try to want to see their faces again,their radiant smiles,their loving hugs,their actions,their kindess and their presence.
No money,no fame,no status we can ever get them back again.
My parents are both not really safe,my mum has a weak stomach,intestines problems and now theres a lump in her breast,we dont even know what that is.
And my father,he have really high blood pressure,high cholestrol,and weak lungs though he doesnt smoke or drink.
Im so worried,and none of my siblings really wonder about all this.
I love my parents so much even if they dont pay attention to me,as much as evryone keeps telling me that they do.
I tried so hard to always make my mother laugh when im not even happy,and i tried so hard to give all that i could for this family,13 years of seperation im the one doing the bonding,do they even try?
I know this is what i should do because im a christ solider,maybe it doent make sense to you,but it does to me.
So much blows i had to suffer this year that my whole life is changing so rapidly.
People whom i love,care for doesnt do as much,and im so worried about their lives they dont know and all i want was some real loving but instead,im being pushed away.
No matter how hard i try,ill always be put below in their lives.
I hope someday i would stand in a special place in their hearts.
Im just a simple girl who wants to be loved and feel belonged.
Now its all up to God,as ive surrendered all my worries to Him.
Out of so many that i love,God is the one who loves me dearly,whom make me stronger and safe even if i dont hear Him speak like how evryone elses does. Im not wallowing in self pity,im not going to give up.
I will be strong.
Learn to treasure and cherish all the one that matters to you in your life when theyre still around,for if you dont,theyll be lost forever from your sight.
Ive learnt.

2007-06-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

Me and my my brother are taking up personal boxing training. im the one with the cow strength. HE IS SO GONNA DIE! I have been training my body like i never run so fast in my entire life,my little dog goes jogging with me, gee,so cute!-pinch its cheeks.
Never knew that handling so many customers a day is so tiring,i just had three today and it was hell,i sprained my damn neck. mayeb cus i craned it too much? i hate creambathing ! im freakin tired that i can sleep for two straight days without eating i swear.
i miss having to be respondsible for someone. :(
im learning to drive soon! :)

2007-06-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

The stand.

You stood before creation,
eternity in your hand,
you spoke te earth into motion,
my soul now to stand,
you stood before my failure and carried the cross for my shame,
my sin weighed upon your shoulders,
my soul now to stand,
so i will walk upon salvation,
your spirit alive in me,
this life to declare your promise,
my soul now to stand,
so what could i say?
What could i do?
But to offer this heart oh God,
completely to you i will stand,
with arms high and heart abandoned,
in awe of the one who gave it all,
i will stand,
my soul,
Lord t you surrendered,
all i am is yours.

2007-06-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

God is so awe-inspiring.

thinking back when i was still in a world of deliquency,inferiority and ignorance,i thank God for bringing me back to a life i can properly live in.So much.I dont know what id do without God. Maybe till today,i would still be goofing,milfing and draining myself away thinking that this world is so meaningless. I enjoyed living a life like that. But then its all comes to nothing at the very end of the day.Now i have a purpose in life,no more violance in the state of mind.Visualising my future seems to be clearer now. I dare to talk about what future would bring me and where will it take me. For God is always there to show me the way,the truth,and my life. Only Gods love is everlasting,only God is faithful to you,only God will keep his promise made to us.May all the good things we've done be golry to God and may all the bad things be forgiven,cleansed. NOone believes in forever love,but i do. Im going to church tomorrow! :)

2007-06-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

its an okay day for me today,i want to blog on my livejournal becus its so cute,i can put what kind of mood im in. but i couldnt remember my login id and password. nonetheless my url.
:( my dog is starting to piss me off,everytime when i sit on the floor,he will always sniff my asshole. and his nose is so wet and movable..huuekk. my jawa will never start to pick up becus i have a teacher who speaks lie a true singaporean. shes always either where got like that?ya meh?no la. of course la. you ah!
well today we both make a bet that we wouldnt speak singlish,and i swear it was so hard. but each singlish word cost me a 100 rp. i couldnt remember how much she owe me..she speaks more singlish than so many peopl in singapore,you see how influential singaporean is in their langguage. she just syudied there barely a year and half.

i want to post so many pictures of all the things that ive been doing up,but my stupid computer just wont do it for me. i dont know why i cant say these. but i still gonna say it. i miss singapore so much,really.i know its great here but things are really hard to adapt,especially when i grew up in singapore. tell me how do a singaporean live in such a place here,so strange and stranded.

i miss hairy.

2007-06-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

The reason it hurts so much to seperate is because our souls are connected.
Maybe they always have been and will be.
Maybe we've lived a thousand lives beforethis one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time,we've been forced apart for the same reasons.
That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.
When i look at you,i see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived.
And i know i have spent every life before this one searching for you.
Not someone like you,but you,for your soul and mine must always come together.
And then,for some reasons neither of us understands,we've been forced to say goodbye.
I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us,and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does.
But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye,i know we will see each other in another life.
We will find each other again,and maybe the stars will have changed,and we will not only love each other in that time,but for all the times we've had before.

2007-06-02T06:56:00.000-07:00

okay, this time its almost the same thing again. im starting to get sick of facing all these nonsense that my family is having. my brother is the most irritating guy anyone could ever known. he is so lazy that i wish i could burn him alive. his actions are burning my ass to the bone,i dont know how my mum can stand loving such kid. he;s so childish and selfish.. all he cares is only he and his car. only know how to modify and modify. he's so irrespondsible. he never speak nicely towards his family,or perhaps to anyone that he know. this is so annoying,especially when mum alwas ask him to do things or seek his help to do someth,he'll always :"apa sih?!!"(in indo) meaning "what??!!" he is the most ungrateful creature that have ever inhabited on this planet. he is freaking a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g me. mums health is not getting any better and she always have to use her high screaming voice to talk to him. and i hate that. hate to hear it and hate the fact that its worsening her health. and today i ask him to take me to dads place becus he feels so lonely and he wants some concern from his family,he doesnt want to take me there. he choose his friends instead,i wouldnt need him to drive me if i knew how to myself. he doesnt know how to draw the line between whats important and whats not,or who is and who is not. he keeps having this thinking in his mind that he'll never go poor. he'll always have my father to support and that he only must enjoy now. i wish i can swear so much now but i forgot how to already, ive never used those words for quite sometime. i just had a fight with him and we are both not talking,he is already eighteen! why cant he be independent like how i am when im 16 in singapore?? indo kids are just so spoilt. or maybe..its how you want to choose yourself to be.
god,when will i have the chance to dependent on someone? in singapore,i have only myself to fall on.here,likewise. i want to grow up and pursue my future faster.
i dont want to see my parents suffering under the mental tormentation that their only son,my brother, is giving them.

i wish he is like me.

2007-05-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

Ive discovered an insight of my family. i feel so insignificant in this home. Saw how bias my mother was towards my brother. i know she loves him more than me even if the world knows the fact that evry parents love all their children. :( you know,i miss you so much.. i miss those days when you always have to ask me what you should be wearing for every single outing with me,and also those days when we eat ice creams together,eating together at sun and moons and we'll laugh so much while running in the rain. and walk along the sidewalk of wheelock to forum,goofing around with each other. making faces and always racing from an end to another.you always win :) im starting to feel it,all the misery here. jimmy told me that i shouldnt be feeling this way because i chose this path.i know,but i cant help it when i have to choose something and leave someone so dearly behind. its when ill always complain.. My dad never come home for so long. and we both cant talk much,he loves my sister more than me,he's closer to her. what about me?dont
i deserve to be paid attention to? i think the years apart from them have distanced us,they seem to belong to their world and me in mine.. we cant get along well and i dont understand this family. seriously. Doesnt my exsistence matter to them?My days are getting lonelier than i expected it to be.i do have my school friends,but none of them i can be and go out with. you know
everytime im alone and i close my eyes,i see you smiling,pushing me to go forward,keeping the faith between us. i see you growing stronger everyday and so did i. i believe we have loved each other before.Every single day i love you more. you have made my life different.I wish i could go back to singapore soon,not exactly that im not happy here but i hate having to miss someone badly,its not good for my health.Its painful .

sweetheart,i dont want us to ever quarrel cus i dont believe that itll make our relationship stronger.

im back

2007-05-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Finally im back to blog again,I need to rant it out before I go mad.

I cant stand the fact that im able to stay here so peacefully without complaints to parents.

Well,im going to start,I hate this place,really. Life is so horrible here. I have nowhere to go and no body I cant go out with. Not a single soul..my mum have her friends,my brother have his and my sis is away to Jakarta for good. But i heard that she cant take it there and is gonna come back here in a month later,i bet she cant bear with her job. She says its unhealthy there becus there is no veges and fruits and also no Tahu,her favourite fried beancurd. Cant stand her. Anyway,back to my topic of my abhorrence towards Surabaya. Omg,I cant stand the currencies here. My daily pocket money is like only two bucks here! Which is 10000. But here,its counted a lot for a student like me whos lunch is only less than 5000. sigh,. The only thing that I really like and enjoy doing it is my school work.its really fun. Though I don’t have homework but I got lots of things to memorise. Like the way a air is cut, the position and how many parts. Not that hard . when it will come to coloring, I think ill die. Imagine having to memorise the color number.. for e.g like blonde brown is 12.3 and light brown is 11.4 and dark brown is 14.3..you know..its something like that..ALL shades of a color have different numbers,tell me how can I live like that. DO you have any ideas HOW MANY COLORS OF DYE they have in a SALON?and i have to know ALL the SHADES of every SINGLE COLOR’s number. God!

So far i have learnt how to cut,blow dry,straightening,cream bath,curling,and the different parts of hair I have to divide on a FEMALE dolls hair. Well,somehow I feel so much happier to be in my school than home. People in school joke around and they all love me!

-winks. Over there,the owners daughter is the teacher at the academy section and guess how old is she?younger than me! All the students hair there are cut by Tari(owners daughter) and dyed by her. Her own choice of hairstyle and hair color..they have no say,its pitiful but its really cool. All their hairstyle are really nice. Some short,some long,some half2 and some have pink strips..all kind. Happens to be when I first came into the school,Tari wasn’t in Surabaya.. she left for japan with her whole family,she’ll only be back aftyer next week and they told me to be careful cus my hair will be fixed by her.. Currently my hairs black. And its thinner and shorter cus my teacher(Tari’s assistant) cut my hair the other day.. I don’t know when Tari is back,what will become of my hair. J im excited though.ahahaha! oh,anw, I was saying that everyone there loves me..right?they do! Cus im the youngest student there and im handsome.-wide grins. Ohh,let me be obsessed with myself for awhile. My school Rota academy.(it sounds weird but ya its my school.So don’t laugh at it!)contains of three storey,first is their salon and second level is their make up academy and also their beautician area and third floor is where me and the others are learning their hairdressing.heee heee. Well,in fact the whol Rota girls thinks that im a guy and they say that im sooo handsome.-covermouth,laughing. Ohs,and they call me the prince of Rota.-giggles. The people at the first level is alwas embarrassing me,theyre alwas teasing me with some other girls. Well of course they know that im a girl but its just funny how they like to tease me and how they alwas keep telling each other that if I wer a guy I would be so hot.. THEY say HOT!!! HAHAHAH! Im not mad here but my heads gonna burst soon. I loooove praises!-open mouth grins.you know,my academy..there is no guy at all..All are girls. So,can you imagine hows my life there?living in tease and they love to play around with my hair,straightening it,curling it..all my seniors will alwas say that whatever hairstyle that I have I still look so !ganteng! from the front back side..-laughs very loud. Baby,of course you know I will never be unfaithful.. so don’t think the other way. okay?:) youll have my forever-free-hairdo card from me.:) hehe,I haven’t been blogging and I don’t want to divide my stories into different days so im saying it all today! You guys know how I am,when I finally blog again,the whole chunk of stories will be told in an entry :)

-wide grins. I love to be loved,so now you know why I love school more than home?

At home my family is alwas busy with their own lives,even my dog,so I get busy with my own life being miserable. *yawns* im feeling rather sleepy. goodnight! I miss you all so much. How I regret saying MoS was boring.. HERE don’t even have a decent club and I want to think about MoS indo version?Phuuiii.

I miss you so much.-stretch hands. Come! Hug me!-cries

2007-01-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

i feel like im growing older,older and older,just remembered the day i last performed for teachers day in my sec 5,2006,it feels like just the day that i was performing for my secondary one.it was so funny,now..im already graduated. this thought suddenly came up when i saw meiwens stupid picture at the changing room. oh ,this is hilarious. :D

2007-01-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

i missed smally..

and i think i need a hairdresser real bad. my hairs like flowing evrywhere in the wrongest direction.ugh! i need to be as bold as jimmy.i need haircut!smally,i cant take long hairs.its irritating when i dont tie it,and when i do,i look like a fair lady and I DONT WANT! :(
okay,my parents are rushing me to choose my school,and i still have no freakin idea where is should be at. this is driving me crazy. rever or shunji,which is more appealing?

2007-01-01T23:53:00.000-08:00

i miss my school days and friends,how retarded they are... and of course my school uniform with my cute little tie :)

christmas

2006-12-25T22:13:00.000-08:00

Not a bad collection of presents considering my uncles redundant. The Longman dictionary will come in handy for increasing my wordpower.
The best present is still the christmas card from smally :) the Ngs,my father's side of the family,reunited at 5 pm. so i got my cousins out of bed and then
retired myself to my bed.I stayed in my room and emerged in time for christmas dinner and was forced to engage the Ngs in conversation. They werent
interested in my conversation about arts and music,in fact they looked bored ans rather eat anyway.Just my luck to have philistines for relations.The meal
was quite nice but there was no witty repartee over the table,it feels like we're just having an ordinary dinner;not a single hilarious joke was told.
In fact i wish id my christmas dinner with just smally alone. I bet we'll ache from laughing and stomaching good food wouldnt be a chore.The Ngs dont approve
of alchohol(except my fifth uncle),so when me and my uncle looked at a bottle of spirits,they tightened their lips and sipped their punch.(yes,its possible
do both,seen it with my own eyes.)Its getting mentally tiring being around the Ngs.Like the good book says,suffer not the terrible monotonous family,for they
shall ruin the ears and mentality.

2006-12-20T07:06:00.000-08:00

i just realise that between my dad and i,we both have really great hidden bondings..i grew up alone so astray but with a strong-willed character. i wasnt led astray,the only thing is that i dont have a straight mind. its okay,i dont say its not good and people should agree with me,cus i said it:) this one whole week,i just found out many things about my dad that i shouldve known but i never had the chance t know..or should i say,never want t care t know..his stay had made me think twice about the little hatred that i should have for them. yea i used t hate them so much when i was young,gullible. they cheated my feelings by sending me t sing without telling me,they did told me before that they were going t send me here for education,some of you may have heard of this story,im still gonna say it anw.i didt want to,but she ask my sister t lure me all the way t singapore t just 'visit' my grandmother and yes,the visit was realy long for me,twelve years.. some pity me like i dont have parents love,some envied me for being so independent at such a young age. what can i say?and why do i want t stay in indo when i can get t get good education here?cus i love my parents alot,in indo,i can get anything i want,love from my parents especially.my mum dropped me countless of times when i was still in her womb.she would have suffered miscarriage but no,i was strong enough. im a strong baby girl,they would have regretted if i werent born cus im so sweet and lovable-flutter eyelashes and also filial. thought i told myself i would grow up without them,id still love them after all. and i get t experience things that i never did here in singapore. ive tasted all the emotions that anyone could suffer,or enjoyed. okay,what the hell.. my dad,we both alwas look at the same thing when we walk in town and we jinxed sooo many times. hahah,its fun going out with dad actually,who says going out with your parents is an embarrassment? if only he reads my blog,im like professing my love for him. he is the greatest dad that only i can have. -smirks. when my baby comes back,ill tell her so many things that happened when she was away,i cant wait -wriggles.

daddy,mommy..eventhough i dont have a straight mind,i still love you two. :)

and daddy,stop pulling my ears! the irritating part abou them two is that, he and mum alwas bug me with these same question evryday..
mummy : ''when are you getting a boyfriend?''
(daddy ALWAS talks about my future business,if not,homosexuals issues.)
daddy: winda,you know when you start studying salon.....then when the business.....
(i walked away)(he always pull me back)
daddy: ehh,then you must be like daddy,i can cut so well....learn from....
(rolls eyes)(the whole day he talks t himself and answer himself)
me: TRUST ME OKAY?i know what t do dad..
daddy: huh! suo suo er yi..(in chinese)meaning say say only.
see! he alwas say so much and then when i agree with him,he will alwas say that same chinese sentence. and mommy,shes matchmaking me with this russian guy!O.o pleeeaase. firstly,just becus my sister dont want him doesnt mean he gaives up on her OR doesnt mean I would want a second hand stuff.okay,no..actually,im not even interested! my mom just loves t see me squirm.she laughs at me. >:(

my dad is in singapore

2006-12-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

well,my folks were fighting over my issues;my education. before my dad cam eto singapore and my mum called on wednesday night to tell me that im going back with my dad,in a fit of anger i guess. i know my mum very well. shed prefer me to saty in sing,cus she say sing could give me a bright future and that i will never starve here. she is racist,not that bad. :/ my sis is the worst one. im not gonna get on my family issues here,im going to another. well,i alwas create irregular posts. actually,for this month and last,i have so much things to talk about. i was kinda fighting with depression the daybefore yest. i think alot,thats me. i couldnt get a sleep at least not a wink.its really depressing,my pimples are protruding now. all on my foreheads! argh! i needed reassurance from my smally all of a sudden,i know i alwas use all those cute little names for her,im not trying to act all so cute. its just... im used to it already. shes very influential :) anws,she went to LA on the 12 and promised to be back on the26th,shed better if not ill fly over to drag her back . baby:if you dont come back by 26th,no more ducks! i miss her alot. honestly,ive been trying t dream about her everyday but i cant just after she left the next day i dreamt of her three nights in a row,now i really miss her. well,right now im working at palais,its good there.it keeps me busy.i love to be busy especially when smally is out of station. it keeps me from whimpering. i hate it when our time dont meet,when im awake,shes sleeping and when she is im sleeping. cant even get to talk t her online. i wonder how long beach looks like. it must be beautiful.-sigh

2006-11-27T08:12:00.000-08:00

winda is dying,she havent been blogging since te beginning of this month,thank god she remembered now. :) Now that theres a november post. No one is missing out a single month not knowing whats going on.i have pictures to upload here but not so soon,my good friend muhd has yet t return me my cds filled with picture galores. And yes,i had my prom pictures of course. will have them posted up soon ! And ill be even busier with life when december starts..Thats when ill be employed and ill start knowing as what my uncle alwas said "the outside world" he never let me work with him. Right now,im looking for a school suitable for me in singapore. A hairdressing school like jean yip?Nope,that,ill pass. Ive never liked jean yip honestly saying.The name itself just doesnt suit with hairdressing. Its more to slimming of bodies,aint it? Im going to try for shunji matsuo. If their requirements from me is not too much then ill go to that school! :D but,i doubt theyll accept me.im still going tmr i dont care :( and baby,i want t watch movie! and thanks amanda lim for accompanying me evrywhere for job interviewing,youre so nice :)

Tan meiwen,im holding a christmas party..you better come also!

2006-10-29T23:07:00.000-08:00

its been really ages since i last put a new post at this blog,its cobwebbing. my o level chinese tomorrow and im te most relaxed person :) i havent gave up hope on that sub but its just that i cant read chinese word(ive tried baby),i can never write either,i can only talk :) i had dinner yesterday at seoul garden again,with grey and agri and babu .(if only i have some pictures to post) im so sick of cockles. Went t MOS after that,actually,we were suppose t just hang around somewhere to drink and chill,so much for chiiling out at lawrences we eneded up paying 100 bucks for just a glass of whiskey coke :) drinks are getting pricey these days.daphs friend lawrence is famous for getting lost,his sense of direction aint good,is he a singaporean? i like his car,its comfy :) halloween wasnt that good cus we didt dressed up. but music was great t te max. i love halloween

2006-10-29T09:22:00.000-08:00

2006-10-06T00:26:00.000-07:00

i still can relax :)

alvins stressed.

2006-10-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

alvins
mines

2006-10-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

our money thats left aftre buying so much things.pathetic

2006-10-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

this is the first time i ever rush doing for my art.me,alvin.my classmate.wonder why his art is so nice?hehe.he owe me big time.

2006-10-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

the stupid printer that alwas died on me when i needed it the most.

2006-10-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

crazy house
crazy bed

2006-10-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

for te past seventeen years of my life ive alwas wonder where exactly i come from,i know,my moms, obviously. but i dont look alike compared t my siblings,am i te weird one or they are?say,who look like who more?

2006-10-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

things that are socially unacceptable ,omg.ive never seen sucha bombed woman in my life before,she can go for te world record,agreed? her hormones are insane. okay people,stop staring,and doubting..it true,its real. not operated.

2006-09-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

i realise that its all convertible cars. hahah ,wells i like,cant be helped. :) im going t buy em four! by ...forty! :) im not acting ambitious,i am!:)

2006-09-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

i hate printing medical certificate,me and my friend,alvins at his girlfriends place doing mc and hes such a f***er,becus his certificate is MORE real than mine. dammit. he only care about himself :( nevermind,mine is alright too. anws,ive got some pictures t post,here are te cars that im gonna own with my own money, when i turn twenty seven :)

2006-09-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

Wind is sick and yet she's laughing hysterically over the phone, so contradicting. And she's totally taking advantage of her 'sickness' to act all whiny and cute. And now it's my turn to get all so gerem cause she's so adorable.

She has prelims tomorrow and she's not studying but insists on talking on the phone with me. She's saying 'I love you' in like every language she knows and she's so lame and funny I don't know how deal.

I love my cute baby :)

tiff.

:)

2006-09-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

oh my god,i just found out and found these pictires about nathalie kelley,shes so gorgeous. when im talking about nathalie,i cant help but be so nervous and excited about it. ! yaraarrgh!!she is used to be in North Sydney Girls high school.how i wished for te millionth time i was born earlier,like my sisters age and was sent t australia t that high school :/
baby just enede her lesson and she saw what i was doing and she told me that a week is over,i know.but i cant help it :(

2006-09-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

I lookeds back on my callow youth, and when I do a smile on my now mature but pitted face. I hardly recognize te naïve girl I once was.yes,ive grown up,more zits,bigger everything J that’s definitely not an advantage for me. I hate growing up,moreover,turn te head of two,which is like less than two years time.fated.-mellows

sigh,I need a holiday badly,I need breaks though ive been having a mini one at home everyday,I need to touch my books seriously,I need to push myself,I need t get t illetas,that’s where you can have your holiday worth going cus te villas and hotels are magnificent and te foliage is even more abundant.ohs,I need so many things. L I need you by my side from this day on till then,why am I sucha weak woman?but youre alwas busy and I know theres no one I can jack ass t(blame) cus you didt want it either.i fully understand that baby.i love you. J
and baby,I have t admit something,or maybe confess,ive been trying t study,revision I mean,I couldn’t help but getting tempted t do some other things,or maybe,get tired of te topic,and drag myself t bed cus my eyes are hurting me.ive really tried,im still trying though but im sorry for promising t keep myself awake each time te words in te book hurt my eyes and I couldn’t. im a weak mofo. L okay,I wont stop trying till exams over.i know I can do it,I know I can get good results,I know what ive promised ill do.like te once upon a some time,I promised t prove it t someone that I will do well for my Ns. and I did it with a great grade nine.but it was unworthy.cus no concern was made.bahs,forget it. I did a motivation t myself by te way..i keep writing mainly these two obviously crazy,huge motivation notes on my desk that says “get t victoria jc or die”,and te other says “go to temasek poly and live” is it ironic?or is it a good sign?am I a person with good self motivation or what?no,i think im psyched :D but I had it pasted everywhere in my study table even under my pillow when I sleep,t scare myself you see.sigh ,see how much I suffer at a young age like this?mentally suffered such tormentation. I know I know,I know what I should do,don’t worry tho much sweetheart,I know you care about me .I wont do stupid things.Have faith please?

2006-08-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

im here t blog again.okay,tiffany is giving me a week t get over nathalie,just tell me how could i? :( baby please dont force me? your beauty is hidden in her.so when i see her,i see you. anws,im in your school right now and youre going for class in fifteeen minutes time.. its her first day of school,shes not te least excited.its so unlikely. :/ sighs.

2006-08-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

baby!! how? :( i want t watch tokyo drift!

2006-08-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

Nathalie kelley,she so gorgeous in too fast too furious(the movie)
yes though it has no story line but its a cool movie.she looks like my sweetheart,tiffany,doesnt she?thats why i think i got so hooked t her, i got adrenaline rush when i see her.ahh,sick. :D
NATHALIE! i finally found te type of girl that i would go for.yes,this type.baby,now you know what type of girl i would be interested in. :)

2006-08-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

baby..ill buy you this personal coke machine and you can drink as much as you want nex time.ill be the one who refill it everyday :)

2006-08-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

us

just look at how she poses. :D
this post is for people t just sit and look,glare and stare.

2006-08-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

babys new phone,and shes so proud of it,im not. :( i miss her old phone.

this is not meant t be mushy.

2006-08-14T00:39:00.000-07:00

i dont know why but im so overwhelmed with love for my baby, :D .
Tiffany,i love you more than life and everything it could offer.And i mean every word,from te deepest of my heart.And ive promised that youll alwas be in my heart and ill be waiting for you.No matter how busy we both could be or will be,we both know that we are still loving and thinking about each other every moment.Your eyes are te first thing i will want t see when i wake every morning and close my eyes before i sleep at night,that is how much i need you t be by me.Just knowing you love me back makes my life worth living and my life wouldve never been happier if i hadnt met you.i love you so much its so scary.. Here,in front of everyone else,id promised my love and devotion in sickness and in health.And id ever felt anything so good about anything. :)

i love you sweetheart.

2006-08-13T04:00:00.000-07:00

okay,im finally here t blog again,im sorry that i havent been touching comp for days.sigh,how can my life be so busy all of a sudden,checked my schedule t find many things unchecked,like dancing,going dinner with te guest,make aptmt with dentist,and studying for prelim. sighs,i got my chinese olevel back anw.ive gt a c6,m not happy about it but i reckon i just have t push myself much harder?
i went out with te guest today,have been going out t entertain them for te past two days..today i learned about how should i handle and keep my career in hand.ive learnt it and im going t do it.they have been nice t me,they are actually very nice people. :) three from taipei,two from indonesia and one from US,cansas. sigh,i miss my tiffany terribly. it seemed like forever since we last talked,met or even texted each other.life previously seems t be only with her everyday,and nothing more. but things just have t occur. :( she have been very very busy tho,aint it? i cant stop looking and feeling so sad. im sorry if i havent been understanding.i really am. prata next week okay?ugh,i hate dentist,but i have t extract my wisdom abnomal tooth. :(( i think ill be visiting mister horror somewhere next week?ahh,talking about next week,its going t be english oral,just why must there be pict descript?i detest it.aww,dont ever mention about having oral.

its late and i cant sleep,she havent call. :( its not that i dont wana,but i have no idea why i cant.and maybe its really becus of her not returning my call,im still gona wait.

2006-08-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

had breakfast on wednesday morning,yes,i skipped school,wells,school was just celebrating national day.we just t eat bagel and drink machiatto with her. :)

2006-07-29T00:40:00.000-07:00

before you read this entry,there are things i need t say,please do not read this halfway and do not feel like youre straining your eyes t read this.
this is something which i would and will alwas love t share it all (especially t you).

The entry will be long,please do not turn away before finish reading them,God bless.

Science and its marvels scan the heavens and give us access to the terrifying stretches
of space and time.
We can now look across the endless beyond,the velvety dark sky
glittering with gleam of uncountable galaxies.
Our world survives in the midst
swirling infinities.
We peer into the expanse above us and the sight swamps our
minds and overwhelms our spirit.
Amid the wheeling galactic systems,the countless worlds like dust cloud and the
whole engulfing vortex, do we have any significance?
In this infinity can the weak voices of our proclamation of the cross register anything?
What use is our gospel message against the vastness of such cosmic activity?
There is only one true answer :"These are the things of God." He is their
explanation,full and adequate.
Creation is the signature of the Almighty.
He formed and cast all visible things for Himself.
He hammered them out on His anvil to fit Himself.
We are finitely little these infinite splendors but God the creator is too great for anything less.
The glory of the heavens is only a pale reflection of his glory.
The burning nebulace are jewels that fell from His garments and scattered as he passed by.
The Milky Way is a ring for His little finger.
"By his breath the skies became fair and these are but the outer fringe of his works," says Job(26:13)
God created all things and told us why; He did not leave us guessing.
His word is greater than Creation.
He has left us here in His world with His word and for His word,creatures of understanding amid mindless dust cloud of swirling stars.
Creation relates only to the creator.
Nothing exists for itself;no one exists in isolation from others-except rebellious sinners,who then lose their only validity,which is God.
We are not our own meaning and without God we are irrelevant.
Without God our world,its commerce,its industrious activities,its governments and institutions become vanity and vexation of spirit,as motiveless as the wind that blows from south to north and back again.
The heavens declare God's glory and his word articulates it.
That is the word we preach,the good news we share.
There cannot be any other word;only one word can be true,just as existence can have only one reason and only one meaning.
The unchangeable truth is that if the world does not relate to the gospel,it relates to nothing.
If the world have nothing to do with the church of Jesus Christ,it is nothing and going nowhere.
The gospel explains it all and nothing else does.
Disown the gospel and darkness falls.
No other voice tells us what the world is for;no other light illuminates the mystery of our own presence on earth.
Our message is far more than forgiveness and heaven. Our calling is to put a kind of hand on the shoulder of the world and turn it round to see God.
It will adore Him.
The Lord is the savior.
He is not there for us;we live for Him.
He saves us for Himself,for His own glory.
Our preaching does not end in people but in God.
He takes delight in what He does for us.
He loves because to love gives Him joy.
He loves beyond all the parameters of human affection and makes even the assault of the cross an expression of his love.
His pain asserts it.
He finds satisfaction in giving,pouring Himself out to us,surrounding us with wonders,making His redeemed the garden of delight in which He walks.
To proclaim the gospel is to move for Him,act with Him,love in Him,and delight in His joy as the privilege,meaning and purpose of all life.
God is the God of salvation.
That is the ABC and the XYZ of our knowledge.

Christianity is not a religion,its being in a relationship with God.

2006-07-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

Love of mine,
Someday you will die,
But I'll be close behind,
And follow you into the dark.

The blinding light,
Where tunnels to gates of white,
Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of the spark.

If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the No's On their vacancy signs,
If there's noone beside you as your soul embarks,
I'll follow you into the dark.

Catholic school,
As vicious as roman rule,
I got my knuckles bruised,
By a lady in black.

And I held my tongue,
As she told me,son,
Fear is the heart of love,
So I never went back.
If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the No's On their vacancy signs,
If there's noone beside you as your soul embarks,
I'll follow you into the dark.

You and me,
Have seen everything to see,
From Bangcok to Calgory,
And the Soles of your shoes,

Are all worn down,
The time for sleep is now,
It's nothing to cry about,
Cus we'll hold eachother soon,
In the blackest of moons.
If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the No's On their vacancy signs,
If there's noone beside you as your soul embarks,
I'll follow you into the dark.
I'll follow you into the dark.

Deathcab for cutie

2006-07-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

im in te art class again right now.sigh,i missed her alot,my baby i mean.i havent seen her in exactly four days today.have alwas been busy with my school work.
anws,im in te mid process doing my final painting,its so beautiful.its green period.its harder to explain it here but if you were t see it,questions will be cleared.been staying till late in school.went home at 6 yesterday.
maths lesson drove me crazy,just why on earth would anyone want to invent te stupid algebra or infact mathematics??:(
i hate maths.no matter how much i absorb,if i dont have interest in it,whats te point?i wont be able to learn..

i need help.my study life is deteriorating.im going to get an A1 for art. :)im confident.

2006-07-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

here,i found something very insane and only people with good,brilliant,high IQ will able to understand it.First let me tell you,this is irritating ,if youre feeling rather irritable,id rather you save your computer or hair by not reading this. :)
"what" is not to understand and "what" is to understand or not is not to understand that even when "what" is understood,it is not understood,for "what" is to understand and "what" is not to understand,"what" is "what" and "is not" is "is not",and so is not to understand not wanting to understand or simply not understanding why "what" needs to be understood or whether "what" can be understood,and also it is not understood whether "what" is really not understood or wheter it simplyhasnt been rendered so hat it can be understood,or is really understood but there is a pretence not to understand or a refusal to try to understand,or is pretending to want to understand yet deliberately not understanding or actually trying unsuccessfully to understand,then so what if its not understood and if its not understood,then why go to all this trouble of wanting to understand it--

steamboat

2006-07-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

im ahving this really good steamboat at my church friends house,Rica(house owner,Floren,Fanny,Sylvia,a new friend made that just came from china,namely Senobia,and anther one graduated from melbourne,adrian).a warm indonesian gathering :D Ricas house is soo huge,and she live alone.i cant imagine myself living in sucha huugeee house alone,first ill feel so lonely,second ill feel so unwanted,unloved,then ill be so paranoid of evrything thats moving by itself,(i meant te moving curtains by te air con.) but then again,its bad for me cus ill hold an everyday party. anws,we ate sooo much im bloating now,so much MsG,ate so many fishballs,prawnballs,crabsticks,beehoon. I'll have hairloss problem tomorrow im sure.sigh,this coming monday is my chinese listening exam.i dont want t fail my chinese olevel exam you know?:(
its late and im still at her house right now.enjoying,having te so called last enjoyment before tormentation day.okay,im done with blogging for today. goodnight!

2006-07-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

yesterday winda was brilliant.she screwed her CHINESE oral and use english t communicate with te two invigilators,question was given,they both look at me and we stare at each other blankly for a minute then,i was trying t figure out how t solve te bloody question he asked me about,so i broke te monotony and start t blabber some crazy answers that obviously is out of te question,they both gave me te garfield look.you know,half eyed look.i know how t explain ,but in english,ho wi wish for that moment im given a privillege t get a translator,i wouldve scored!No nods and smile.SO,i just kept quiet again,they finally said:"hai you xiang bu chong de bu fen ma?(can i do any better?) i thought for awhile that thats te end of my chinese,f9 again.i said with a heavy heart,no,nothing else. argh!!! how could i?? :((
if only english oral doesnt have t picture descript.i couldve scored better.

2006-07-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

hallelujah. my ass is saved! mr tan says i should take all te masterpieces from picasso,lucian freud,david hockney,vincent van gogh and combine them tgth with no themes. great,isnt work easier without a theme?:D i like it complicated. baby,please drink more water?:)

2006-07-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

chinese olevel oral today. ugh,im so nervous now.
im so stressed over my art i cant take it,i dont even know what am i doing anymre.it started with me and my bedroom,then soon it leads to drawing bedrooms,and nude female bodies.what the hell?im getting nowhere,i need t be inspired.somebody HELP.

2006-07-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

oh great,soccer match today was not exactly a gloriousvictory.come on,they were like only secondary two?i was so shocked.te score was 4-1.stupid me,i ran out of te goal t wana ctach te ball,it slips off my direction.couldve been 4-0 or even 10-0.that was my initial thought when i realised my team was playing with small kids.chai chee doesnt have a good chinese player?yesterday all of them was malay.im not trying t be racist.but ..haha,my darling knows something.ohwells,let it pass.so much for being petrified.
at night i thought about fanny,just how am i going t stay at home and do nothing on a FRIDAY night.im missing you already sweetie.how? :(

2006-07-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

baby,this entry is specially for you.i know could give you a message instead of blogging it but i just want t let people know tho.youve been great in my life,your existence have created huge amounts of miracles in my life,sweetheart.i can never love you enough. you said that i blog about her more than about you.its not true you know.cus i feel like ive blogged seriously about you more than about anyone else.becus of you,ive taken interest in blogging..okay,not really interested but more keen t blog ,you get me?i know youre flying off t phuket with your girls soon.ill really miss you thou its just three days,it seems so hard t live so far away from you. sigh.remember to takecare of yourself there ! i love you. :) alot

2006-07-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

i can feel jesus living in me. :) finnaly,i know you feel glad for me.me tho.

bitchen

2006-07-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

today morning i woke up at 10 am in te morning.got out of bed carefully becus my cousin was spread-eagled across te bed,flat on his chest,with his mouth wide open waiting for te flies t infest his mouth :D at first i thought he overdozed or something mishap,but i checked his pulse and found signs of life.i put a towel in my bathroom mirror before attending t my toilette.then dressed in my worst for breakfast. oh,did i mention before?i wear only black clothes as i am mourning for te world :) everyday. im sick of hearing about how handsome is Bae Yong Jun.Please,my darlings over his body.i cant take it. My cousin lost her sanity,she must be agonising over her decision:" riches,glamour and publicity with Bae,or poverty,intropspection and listening t poetry with her current boyfriend-not easy choice.ya,like as if Bae will fall for her.oh,keep dreaming yall?had a very great night at te stadium with all te churces friend and of course my sweetheart,it was amazing.something ive never seen before in my life.jesus is so wonderful,i can feel his holy spirit around me,protecting me and pulling me through all te bitchen situation i fall into.thankyou jesus.
im exhausted :( i want t sleep.

i can do it. :)

2006-06-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

thats three nights in a row trying t stay awake t study but still end up sleepy,as always.

anws,i had a spiffy small quarrel with one of my school mate,you know,men. they are all imbeciles.never forget that men are imbeciles.i hate it when it comes t being chauvinistic. err,so what if head of te family is man?that doesnt mean they subjugate te whole entire familys lifestyle.it starts with te sentance :"...becus youre a girl.." i hate it when guys use that sentence on girls and i was like "watch it,buster.theres a feminist lurking somewhere in here that takes offense t comments like that!" i believe that feminists take offense t evryth that men do better.
te look of him really sets me off.i wish i could gouge his eyes out,hes bumming me out.hideous,disgusting men.

and i realise something about myself which i found it magical,im able t get through a day without swearing!amazingly,i know.sigh.having strayed this far,i stood t lose both my hardworking spirit and confidence. i need t have an iron will t persrvere. i can do it,dammit.

i am so dead

2006-06-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

i lack te sense of urgency. i seriously need t get myself started with school work. you know,flipping books,writing notes and revision.
Bum around days are over.

i had been fatally attracted t tiffany.she is my muse and beloved.i love you darling :)
call me strange but i sort of like life on te pedestal.
im trying t get on with my geography.and right now,im in "te chicken or te egg" dilemma,i dont remeber which comes first.te digestion or te pressing in te process of oil palm. ugh,i cant seem t memorise anything. :( and each time i see all te amazing pictures of beaches,resorts and mountains shown in te tourism chapter,part of me think i should get out more and see te world,take exotic trips. i cant focus dammit.

2006-06-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

you know the whole world can see us,
in a way that's different from who we are

we're breaking free.

and i'm sorry, baby. :(

tiff.

baby

2006-06-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

im in my babys house right now,bored of maple so i just feel like blogging.baby :helooooooooooo! :D :D :D .
okay,that was her.shes so cute ,i cant stand it .-pinch cheeks.yay!we're gona go batam this weekend.yes,my last day of outing.so called freedom.honestly i hate t blog,but i know tht without it,no one will know a shit abt me.i have t keep my volume low,its thunderous :) baby! i love you,baby. i think my periods coming.shit.

babys so irritating

2006-06-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

fine,blog then blog la. tsk! i dont have the mood t blog baby,why must you force me?:( im in te national library right now with fanny.im suffering from a very bad running nose. shes doing her Maos project and me,jsut listlessly wandering and scribbling her foolscap.this is sooo boring.Maos taking all her attention. anws,i just picked her up from best way,was suppose t study here but they wont allow me t bring my book in,its okay.that saves me from headache,no intend t study . baby says she want t eat at a french restaurant today,craving for it suddenly,gonna eat with her mum and daphne. :D

Te library is tho quiet for me,i hate this place.i feel like playing cs. oh,did i mention?cs have become our very favorite pastime.it kills time for us very fast.-grin. i got them hooked t it.

Maos te most dirtiest person in te universe.and a pervert,so disgusting and a womanizer.. he says : "I wash my prick in their cunts." during sex with any woman. he is damn gross.but baby loves him,i dont know why either.he dont bathe,in fact he never bathe in his whole entire eighty three years of living.he causes te woman who sleep with him t suffer from diseases. one of te 500 000 people he kills must be te womans tho.
i want t sleep now.ohyes,when yenis back,we go go batam! yay!:)

wheeE

2006-06-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

couldnt choose a better color but t use just this. im in CAE right now ,ive really got nothing t do so i thought i just blog.CAE=fannys current school,its at bestway building(its very run down but its nice).she seemed t like this school.i like this school for her,i think it suits her best. you bet she changed so much schools in a year. hses got two very cute and interesting friends i really like here,te very polite looking sharmista and te gorgeously cute ilma(whos alwas kazana-ing ). :D they are in te lab tgth with me right now btw. baby,this dork behind me seems to have issues.he havent stop talking since he came in.starting from movies : commenting te cars was boring,to his grandmother,and blabber about his computer which died on him.so irritating.im going off now.(fannys lessons over.)

i am

2006-06-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am the vine;you are the branches.If a man remains in me and I in him,he will bear much fruit;apart from me you can do nothing.-JOHN 15:5

for you

2006-05-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

For you i will blog again,ill keep blogging. So this way,you will know whats going on with my life when im not around you :)
i dont know ,things have been going around crazily. Things that i should detach after a very long time,id detached it already. So let it pass. Wish t still stay cool with each other,but destiny made them choose this path i guess? So,i go with te wind,cut me some slack.

Funny what a wrecked week will do t a persons perspective. Getting bad grades are not going t bring me down,i know ive said this tho many times t myself but ill do as my expectation in my o levels. I couldnt stomach te glass of sprite id poured earlier (usually i cant live a day w/o it.)and had dumped it in te sink. I felt so monotony all of a sudden. In my mind it was almost empty but i know theres just one portion inside that will alwas be embedded ,thats my sweetheart and my future career. Alwas and alwas thinking of it. I want t be famous and rich rich rich! period.

2006-05-21T08:08:00.001-07:00

to winda:

baby,

you know last night was so nice, i wish we can do that again. you just told me that you can't go overseas with me, and i'm kinda sad now. i know there's nothing i can do to change that fact. thursday won't be a good day for you, i know.. and how i wish i can be there with you on that day, especially.

recently it seems as if you seem sadder, and heavier. and somehow i kinda know why. i just want to tell you baby, that no matter what, we are one. we are already one and no one can change that. living together is a plus point which will complete us, but the truth is, even if we can't be together, we're still loving each other. distance can separate us physically, but never emotionally. please keep that in mind. i know our path is difficult and unaccepted, but what do i care ? we knew that right from the start, since the moment we chose to walk that path together. it's a path fraught with restrictions, danger and pain, but it's all worth it.. for you. for us.

every single day we spend together is a blessing, a miracle. and i want us to spend the remaining days available, however much that may be, together with happiness. i don't want you to be sad, or worry about the unseen future. for whatever is meant to happen will happen, with or without us worrying. i want to see you smile, i wanna hear you laugh and see you live your days happily, i want to know that i've succeeded in making you happy, because that is all that matters to me.

i really love you winda. you don't even know how much, and what i would give for you. you say that you cause me pain, that i don't deny. but beneath all the pain lies pure, unadulterated joy, bliss like i have never known before. i am so glad. the pain i bear is to remind me of the presence of the precious, precious bond i have with you, one that i will keep until my dying day.

do you remember, in one of your letters you said that the reason why it hurts so much for us to separate is because our souls are connected, always have been and always will. and that we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other.. and that we've spent every past life looking for each other. "not someone like you, but you, for our souls must always come together. " i think so too. that is why it feels so natural to be with you and to love you. and that is also the reason why our union, our bond, is the single most perfect thing in our worlds.

you're asleep now, probably already dreaming. i don't know when you will see this, but it doesn't matter. we both know that time does not matter anymore. even if you read this ten years from now, it'll still be the same. our hearts are still beating as one. our love transcends time and distance, we both know it. goodbye my love, i pray that you'll sleep well tonight so you'll be fresh for school tomorrow. till then, take care.

yours,
tiffany.

last entry

2006-04-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

i have faith in me,you and us.
this will be te last entry,i dont think ill ever blog again.
i wish i could pin all te doings ive done together with you for te past 7 months plus,down here. but its tho long.i would like t summarise it actually,it comes with yeni as te fatemaker,forbidden city was where we found each other glazing,town was te usual place we met,nydc was te first where we had our first meal with just you and me,taught you something you labelled as a no life sport.'poke balls into te hole'. Met up almost all te thursdays.altogether of te thursdays including te last thursday two days ago..its thirty two thursdays .recently around november,got somehow seperated,but still as strong.asked fr you hand in relationship,gladly you accepted.newton circle,SIM,coffee bean,shaw house,cineleisure-rocky masters,cairnhill plaza,cream bistro,MOS,arab street,esplanade,heeren-spinelli,taka,ecp..it wa ste first time you were there,crown prince ballroom,laguna..forum-hilton hotel(ate ice creams),far east-where you got your cross inked onto you as a memory of me,febuary 9th til mar 12th was te beginning and te end of our girlfriends relationship.it was short but it seemed like eternity.she was like te 'capulet' and im te 'montague'.we were never approved.We then had te lovers status after 12th march,continued t hang on til one day ,we made all te promises cus we know we;re gona be seperated but just hoping it doesnt come tho soon.i understood,respected whatevr you did cus i have faith in you.yea,we dont know about te future,it was heartbreaking thou ending was wonderful.you kissed me and hugged me goodbye.thou i didt want t let my arm loose,as much tightly i held onto you.you eventually taught me how t leave you.13 april,0520pm. i love you till infinty and beyond.

Have faith in me,ill find you.

depressions

2006-04-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

The hammer may strike, be dead on the ground.
a net to my hand, a cross on his crown.
we're done if, who we're undone,
finished if who we are incomplete.
as one we are everything,
we are everything we need.

what good is a life, with no one to share,
the light of the moon, the honor of a swear.
we can try to live the way in which you speak,
taste the milk of your mother earth's love,
spread the word of consciencness you see,
we are everything we need

we belong together
like the open seas and shores
wedded by the planet force
we've all been spoken for

all this indecision
all this independent strength
stillwe've got our hearts on safe
we've got our hearts on safe

someday when you're lonley,
sometime after all this bliss,
somewhere lost in emptiness,
i hope you find this gift...

despair

2006-04-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

'whyre our prayers unanswered?'
'sometimes,we pray for him to give us flowers,but he gives us te seed.'

i shall walk te street clutching on to despair.

For love is not t want t own it,but t suffer for te best of te other.

im ready,agony.

2006-03-13T03:00:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder why things have to turn out the way they do? Life , i've learned , is never fair. But i know all these have to happen because its Lord's plan.I'm frightened and i feel helpess, and even though i'm trying, things continue to get harder and harder - for the both of us.And the more i try, the more hopeless things seem. So i gave up trying. And now, it's all gone. Perhaps long sleeping term would help me with my situation right now. It was a tragic ending.( i don't need your sympathy, you don't have to care about my issues anymore if deep down you don't feel like and you think its wrong.)Te double depression that i'm going through is making my life completely and utterly at loss. why must i always be te one who get hurt in the end. is it true i shouldn't put my heart, mindset and soul on something? why not. is it wrong being true to myself? History is repeating. And was the whole thing just a fragment of my imagination? what i've ssen in my love life had led me to question god's purpose. Maybe i'm going to stop blogging for now. And will get on it months later, or maybe never again. when i'm nice and sweet, i'm taken granted. when i am compliant and give in, i'm discounted.when i give up or give in, i'm taken advantage of. when i am a door mat, i get stepped on.when i am diffcult, i am taken into account. when i won't compromise, i'm respected.when i am demanding and angry, others defer to me. when i am most tough, others listen up. is this the way it must be?Must i become what i don't want. To get what i want, to have what i need to be?

yeps

2006-03-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

my grades werent exactly what i expected . out of six,four are d7s. i know its horrendous but ive learnt,i will pass all te next time. it will be a must. Despite te outer calm i was trying t maintain it,it was clear i was pretty much of a wreck.
mrs rahjas gona call/see unc. id bet my life on it.just what am i going t say t him? ''having strayed this far,i realised my mistakes and should stop thinking so far..''rah-rah speech and all te i should haves?
My grades were sucha dissapointment.

holyshit

2006-03-06T23:00:00.000-08:00

mum have been a bit worried about my femaleness lately, somewhere along te line i seem t have picked up tho many male hormones. mum wants me t see te doctor about it,as usual..she was te most unsympathetic.
shes been calling me so much lately,i remembered her saying te same ol sentence :''please wear skirt grow your hair long and promise ,swear,give me your word ,that you will see te doctor about your 'red flag'problem. period. Exams are nearing,and te sight of books make me ill.So many work unchecked. dont even bother looking at it. i think that explains my sore throat. result of ca1 will be out this friday even without seeing , i know ill do badly. just look at all those past tests i took. its either a digit over two / two digits below 50 over three. its been hard trying t concentrate . te thought of te future career gives me so much encouragement and hopes. but still ,im disappointed with all those marks . :/ i miss spy.

random shit

2006-03-05T23:13:00.000-08:00

I'll tell you flat out.It hurts so much to think of this,so from my thoughts i will exclude. The very thing that,i hate more than everything is the way im powerless,to dictate my own moods.
Ive thrown away,so many things that could have been much more.And i just pray,my problems will go away if theyre ignored.But thats not the way it works....(not finished)
<< this is just some shit .okay,nevermind.Ben should understand what it means.

My dear brother is undergoing some serious depressions.Well,over some love 'game' . I wished im a love doctor ,i want t get him out of te shithole but hell hes fallling even deeper and obviously hes not doing te least favor t himself by pulling himself up. I tried helping him but hes one helluva stubborn wuss,bottomline t him is : he believes that hes alwas right and no facts could get his mind t think straight.I dont know what t do anymore,i guess i have lost hopes in friendship now.

My throat hurts like some motherfuckers.I need those pills now!TIFFANY!!
Must i wait till thursday when i think by that time itll be hopeless even for any pills?anws,i miss you :)
finally i watched fd3.yes,it was fucking fuck gruesome.Te killings tho gross that it got my heart racing.Ill never go tanning again!Not if its on purpose. im sleepy,got t get my ass up early tomorrow if not detention.nights

2oth feb

2006-02-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

I have t start with my art seriously now.I havent done a single shit.I need help!:( been focusing on gears designing,fantasizing, and 'how t get a depressed person out of depressions' no time fr my school books,thou i did try studying fr my tests.Ive got alot of test next week again.Graduating years so different from any other years.Its like a routine t have test every week and its getting on my raw nerves,and its not just one.its two or three.I think ill go bald.

anws,heres a story of a girl somehows going through te similar situation as you are(but shed healed) i know you will tho.i believe :)

As te days pass slowly and te weeks creep by,
i find myself obsessing about ways that i could die.
i lay awake at night,thinking of my pain,
theres no way it can get better.i have nothing left t gain.
suddenly te thought of death are controlling my envy moves
and every battle with my mind i alwas seem t lose,i no longer want t be around.
the people i love all that i can think about is whats waiting up above.
i cut my arms with razor blades t dull te pain inside but that can only last so long.
i dont want t be alive.I manage t keep my composure when people are around.
they wouldnt understand me so i dont make a sound.
i smiled when i have t ,i break down when i dont .
i know i should be strong.
but also know i wont.
so i make a plan t take some pills.
it shouldnt take tho long,i write out notes t all my friends.
to read whn i am gone.i ask my mum t understand that life is just tho hard.
my mind cant fight it anymore,my heart is tho scarred.
i plan it out so perfectly.i even set te date.im pretty sure im ready.
i know that this is my fate.my bed is made up neatly as i take them one by one
i start t feel a little scared.i know im almost done
all i can think about is how im letting go and
how much i love my family i really hope they know.
my eyes are getting heavy.my body feels so weak and evrything inside is numb.
thats te way it has t be.im glad moms not ere right now.
to watch me slowly die.
but i still wish i could say,'' i love you and goodbye''
i give in t darkness.i slowly slip away.i hope i go t heaven,when dark night turns t day.
i woke up in confusion.i dont know where i am ,
is this heaven ,or is it hell?te land of te eternally damned?
there are people all around,although i can barely see,
i can hear te soothing voices of people dear t me.
my family and friends are here comforting one another.
i can hardly make out any words until i hear my mother.
each tear she cries feels like a knife stabbing at my soul.
i let my pain and suffering blind me from my goal.
at one point i was determined t make it through this test t lead a life of fufillment
and t do my very best.
but i somehow lost all sight of that i hope she can forgive.
i promise not t waste my second chance t live.i sit up in my hospital bed
tears streaming down my cheeks,my mother rushes over crying
like she havent seen me in weeks.i tell her that im sorry,
for causing her so much strife.i tell her that i will succeed in leading a better life.
together we figured out a way for me t get some help
i know now that i can go t her,instead of doing it by myself.
i know that its not over yet.its a long road up ahead.but i appreciate te little things.
becus i could be dead.ive learned t live each passing day as if it were my last.
i look forward t te future and im learning from my past.

yea,whtevr.

2006-02-19T23:42:00.000-08:00

Jesus said owning alot of things wont make your life safe.Is there anyone who can tell me anything t support that belief?

It was rather tho much of a good thing,i stayed at home today.Well,planned t work out at orchird but unc was busy.
Te speed of time is increasing,i could remember vividly what i did fr te past month cu sevrything that happened seems like yesterday.This whole things freaking me out.
Tomorrows another new day in school,ive been rather ratty .I dont bother studying anymore. :/
I miss te hangout i had with Dez and my soccer,i need t get a good gloves and start training t fall onto ceramic floor on my sides.You know,as they alwas say ;start with something tough. Overcome my falling fear during te catch in te match. :) I need t shake off those fats i accumulated.

suddenly: i thought about my hairdressing career.So great,imagine driving that black/metallic white audi tt,looking all so salubrious..Im not superficial.Im just tho ambitious.But im compassionate. :)

im so worn out now.ima go t sleep .jollynight.

nil

2006-02-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

Finally here t rant again.Woots.Went town with fanny.Was SUPPOSED t watch i not stupid tho (this local movie)today.I dont watch local movies but becus i decided t give my emotion a test, ill watch.But we watched fearless instead.Its a not bad show thou some parts got me dozing,te fighting was really cool,my nerves ,agitated. Ben called,hes crazy.he said he wants t get back at this molester.I told him no,but he insisted.So perhaps ,well go tgth t find that asshole.Ben wants t find by hook or crook,as a brother ill follow and see what he wil be up t.
Todays just like any other day.Tomorrow chinese test.Next week ..a whole load more tests.Te pressures already setting in.Anws,times really ticking fast.Its febuary already,and soon ill be legal and older.Sighs,ive tried t give a true accounting of what ive done .i do not pressume t understand te course of my life ,but i know im grateful t have partaken of all this,even if for a moment.
It isnt time for reminiscing,im sleeping now.
School tomorrow.Night.
id wish i was a pig ,a real piglet with curly cute tail. :D whtever

bens legality

2006-01-23T23:10:00.000-08:00

HAPPY LEGAL 18TH BIRTHDAY.
Finally its here .Now that youre legal,all drinks are on you! So,i hoped you liked te shirt i specially designed for you.(thanks stephen tho.)I know there aint no party nor any nice plannings.but i hope te simple hangout was great enough for you. i know there aint no cake,its alright ,we'll blow cake together on my birthday! :D i know im nice.
Anws,heres something for you ;
you told me i was good enough.
that i deserved a chance.
that i should have te courage t sing,to laugh ,to dance.
you told me not t care about what other people thought
cause youre my best friend.
And now i want t give you whatyou alwas gave t me
love,friendship,caring and most important,dignity but
how can i do this in ways that equal yours cause what i want t give you
cant be bought in stores,what i want t give you is a simple phrase.
it may not seem like very much but it is in many ways.
what i want t give you will never pay my due.
what i want t give you is a simple ,thank you..

brother,i hope youll be happy on this special day of yours and alwas.
Enjoy :)

wth

2006-01-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

well,very early t have a reunion dinner indeed,but my big family insist on having it today just becus someones leaving fr indonesia and wont be here on t enew years eve itself.So,i rejected all my hangouts,darn it. anw,i feel so fat now..all so bloated.Ate at pines club fr lunch,thn in te evening rushed over t my friends studio t meet up with this street designer.thou hes not that famous among te public but definately around his friends which i heard from my friend, im sure he will be well-recognised someday,we did what we're supposed t do.well,he didt exactly help me with everything.Merely te idea of te figurings,had it all done then i went back home t modify it again.Dinner(another reunion) was at home,te house almost broke into half,with those big people talking and laughing so loudly,and all te lil imps running around screaming like theyre mind had gone amok.I was very much annoyed with one of them,played with stitch and pulled him around by te hair.I was praying that by te end of te night ,stitchs will not be bald .I tried grabbing it from them but they cried and started hitting me.so i gave up,and watch em play wih it.Its so irritating,im beginning t loathe kids!!Okay,im such a bastard.I irritated someone really badly and i didt say sorry,that lead us both t stop talking t each other.Now i find it hard t apologise for my wrong doings,(of course if it aint serious it snatural if i blurt a sorry)id rather keep quiet than a word of sorry.Why,am i egoistic?ohmans,since when.iI thought i used t apologise alot last time.I feel crappy now,tomorrow is a long day.Im dragging myself t bed again. night .

lalala

2006-01-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

Tiring day,i hardly can open my eyes now.Did class deco right after school,it wasnt that bad looking.Who cares!Ben and yingling came t school t join me fr lunch anws.

currently listeining t ghost of you -MCR

Now im wondering.Should i go t MOS this weekend?im indecisive.clubbing now struck me as a refuge or those who drank t escape their problems,people who were desperate fr te companionship of a stranger.te kind of atmosphere that promoted te notion that evryone there,whether with someone or not,was up fr grabs!At te end of te day,you gain nothing and te aftermath sucked.Aws dez ong sze rei !Lets have te enlightening ,wasting ourselves,in&exhaling session this saturday!
Ugh,and i seriously have no idea what t do with my hair anymore now.(i plan t grow it long,did i mention?But i doubt i can.)During te night,my dar brown hairs nice,cute and obedient,but in te day,it looked like 'under-siege' as what my ccousin so kindly used t put it.
Oh dammit im really tho tired t type/even think about anything annoying,im sleeping ,dragging myself t bed.goodnight

news

2006-01-13T23:56:00.000-08:00

I want t go t newsroom!Im sure ingrid dez and all are having fun there now.Its so fun dressing as one of te seven sins. I want t dress as greed if i could go but,frget it ... :( i feel so sad all of a sudden.Ingrid!!I want t party with you tho!:((

sighs

2006-01-13T23:46:00.000-08:00

friday night is supposed t be a party night fr me.But loo where am i now;home.Dating te labtop.Tomorrow will be a good day!Im sure it will be sunny,wunny and a happy day :D woot woot.
Like finally te suns up ,ive been mising it since then.Yeni had left for batam this afternoon,going t jakarta tomorrow and will be back in sg next week :)
Was all ready t go t town t do some shopping spree when potato wanted t do some groceries shopping at parkway.I accompanied her and her sister.Went t OSIM after that ,sw this really interesting machine named i gallop,i rode on it and omg,i swear t goodness!Its for exercising thou,fr te tummy.Its so good :D I want one at home.
Went t play pool after ,potato was badly beaten by me.She needs t polish her skils!yes yes,pools are for those losers and people without life tend t play it *hint.

This is boring my life out,i need some entertainment!

i hope youll be better tomorow. :)

whtevr

2006-01-10T23:29:00.000-08:00

Went out with my favourite uncle,we had a great day which i would like t share :spent te day accompanying him.
(he drove around ,with an empty mind,no plans nothing,but we ended in our favourite owrkout place;orchird country club.)
me: so,this is where you want t go?And golfing is what you want t do this evening?
unc: not just that.theres alot of things t do.
me: ooohh!im thrilled!(sarcasm)
(we got out of te car,took our clubs and headed for te course)
unc: ha!dont think you can beat me in this game,im like tiger woods when it comes t stuff like this.
me: duh.If you lose,you wont be called Eddie anymore.and dinners on you .
unc: Youre on.And its alwas your uncle me whos alwas paying fr all te dinners we had before?
me: I wont show you any sympathy on te course.
(a couple minutes later,we reached te first hole.)
me : Age before beauty :)
(uncle feign a look of offense before putting te ball in place.)
unc: Watch and learn.
me: just get on with it.
I hate it whenever he says im lucky in this game.How come its alwas luck when i make it and skill when he does it?And he will alwas say
"because it is!Its a fact that you have t get it right! " ...whtevr .
So,as usual i gave in and he won te game .Well,i let him win.I hate it admit,but i wasnt really trying tonight. :D

Anws,i thought monday was a good start with a compliment about my hair.Yes,i was late for school,again.Te ironic part,when i got home,6th uncle called .He said te school called him,told him i was late for school,he had te chance t ask about te probation letter,i dont know what te fuck did te school brag t him,twisting words,making up stories.Fucking made him believe that im in te wrong.But te only problem i had with te fucking school last year was my hair.Alright,i'd kept it neat this year.I'd been good since i was given te final chance.And fuck that,they raked up all te past and bullshit t him,they must have mixed all te other probationers problem with mine..Hellos,i fucking didt rebel,taked back,fight,nor play truancy!He wont listen t my explanation,he said as a junior i just have t accept all te screwing sessions without rebuking.No explanation,cannot speak up for myself,no matter if im in t wrong or not.Im still supposed t admit that i am.wtf.Fucking unfair.
Sighs,who needs an o level cert anws?Jeez,make me look like some lowlife person,begging t stay in for another year.Oh please,if it wasnt for my folks.Broadrick can go kiss my natural born blast white ass.

You want me t shut up,fine you said so.Dnt go back on your word when you realise yourself speaking t an imaginary.Fucking harlots.

rahh!

2006-01-03T06:20:00.000-08:00

Today marked te first day of school again.I totally wasnt te least excited t go t te new school,it smelled so new and fresh and pleasant.No worries,i was a good girl.I combed my hair neatly today,so neat that i got commented by some:"winda!you look tho neat!omg,so weird!"
I was like wth,i didt want it this way either but what choice do i have?I dont mind being te miss neat here but not tho neat that everyone used te four letter words on me
i felt so square all of a sudden.Mwen scoffed at te sight of me,come on .Stop reminding me that i look horrible.I feel permanently disfigured right then.Oh ya! Ingrids my partner anws,hahs.We slept like slaughtered pigs during class.Orentation wa sfucking boring,my new form teachers nice thou but she looked likea baulked tigress :/ Her demands are obviously giving us te full-court press.Sighs.Okays,enough about school.
My muscles are aching,did alot of exercise yesterday at orchird.Wanted t pool but i forgot my id.Wth.So,i played tennis,squash,carried weights.(100 times per hand)And very soon ill have two hands te size of hulk.Go figure.So scary la.My torso and lower bodys aching tho. :( Ah,i just hate school.
tiring. boring. irritating.

Thug life,alright.Ive spent all day hauling craps.Now,i just want t get some sleep and be ready for tomorrow's tormentation.Ah,jerked. goodnight!

2006-01-03T01:39:00.000-08:00

me!me!me!