my brother left for jakarta yesterday afternoon,the home is much calmer now.
But the monotony is killing my mind.
As my mother never really talk to me,still i could see how much she misses my brother and how much she loves him.
She was really happy to hear from his call this morning.
We talked.
That lucky brat.
I dont even have holidays here.
Went with my mum to this seminar again today
for the fourth or fifth time.Its good.
Now ive learnt in life that the most important thing in a positive mind is health.
Without it,we cant do anything but to count the number of days that we are left inhabited in this earth.
Have you ever heard the saying of when youre on the verge of death,youll then know how to live?
No one ever knows what would fate bring them the very next day,and what would they do if it were to be tragic?
And what would we do if someone that matters to us so much were to depart forever at that very moment?
The mind would think that its gonna be okay somehow sooner or later,but have we ever thought about this..the memories created will always be embedded in our minds only especially when the person is gone for good.
You think so?
And never in our lives we would see them again as much as we try to want to see their faces again,their radiant smiles,their loving hugs,their actions,their kindess and their presence.
No money,no fame,no status we can ever get them back again.
My parents are both not really safe,my mum has a weak stomach,intestines problems and now theres a lump in her breast,we dont even know what that is.
And my father,he have really high blood pressure,high cholestrol,and weak lungs though he doesnt smoke or drink.
Im so worried,and none of my siblings really wonder about all this.
I love my parents so much even if they dont pay attention to me,as much as evryone keeps telling me that they do.
I tried so hard to always make my mother laugh when im not even happy,and i tried so hard to give all that i could for this family,13 years of seperation im the one doing the bonding,do they even try?
I know this is what i should do because im a christ solider,maybe it doent make sense to you,but it does to me.
So much blows i had to suffer this year that my whole life is changing so rapidly.
People whom i love,care for doesnt do as much,and im so worried about their lives they dont know and all i want was some real loving but instead,im being pushed away.
No matter how hard i try,ill always be put below in their lives.
I hope someday i would stand in a special place in their hearts.
Im just a simple girl who wants to be loved and feel belonged.
Now its all up to God,as ive surrendered all my worries to Him.
Out of so many that i love,God is the one who loves me dearly,whom make me stronger and safe even if i dont hear Him speak like how evryone elses does. Im not wallowing in self pity,im not going to give up.
I will be strong.
Learn to treasure and cherish all the one that matters to you in your life when theyre still around,for if you dont,theyll be lost forever from your sight.
Ive learnt.
Me and my my brother are taking up personal boxing training. im the one with the cow strength. HE IS SO GONNA DIE! I have been training my body like i never run so fast in my entire life,my little dog goes jogging with me, gee,so cute!-pinch its cheeks.
Never knew that handling so many customers a day is so tiring,i just had three today and it was hell,i sprained my damn neck. mayeb cus i craned it too much? i hate creambathing ! im freakin tired that i can sleep for two straight days without eating i swear.
i miss having to be respondsible for someone. :(
im learning to drive soon! :)
The stand.
You stood before creation,
eternity in your hand,
you spoke te earth into motion,
my soul now to stand,
you stood before my failure and carried the cross for my shame,
my sin weighed upon your shoulders,
my soul now to stand,
so i will walk upon salvation,
your spirit alive in me,
this life to declare your promise,
my soul now to stand,
so what could i say?
What could i do?
But to offer this heart oh God,
completely to you i will stand,
with arms high and heart abandoned,
in awe of the one who gave it all,
i will stand,
my soul,
Lord t you surrendered,
all i am is yours.
thinking back when i was still in a world of deliquency,inferiority and ignorance,i thank God for bringing me back to a life i can properly live in.So much.I dont know what id do without God. Maybe till today,i would still be goofing,milfing and draining myself away thinking that this world is so meaningless. I enjoyed living a life like that. But then its all comes to nothing at the very end of the day.Now i have a purpose in life,no more violance in the state of mind.Visualising my future seems to be clearer now. I dare to talk about what future would bring me and where will it take me. For God is always there to show me the way,the truth,and my life. Only Gods love is everlasting,only God is faithful to you,only God will keep his promise made to us.May all the good things we've done be golry to God and may all the bad things be forgiven,cleansed. NOone believes in forever love,but i do. Im going to church tomorrow! :)
its an okay day for me today,i want to blog on my livejournal becus its so cute,i can put what kind of mood im in. but i couldnt remember my login id and password. nonetheless my url.
:( my dog is starting to piss me off,everytime when i sit on the floor,he will always sniff my asshole. and his nose is so wet and movable..huuekk. my jawa will never start to pick up becus i have a teacher who speaks lie a true singaporean. shes always either where got like that?ya meh?no la. of course la. you ah!
well today we both make a bet that we wouldnt speak singlish,and i swear it was so hard. but each singlish word cost me a 100 rp. i couldnt remember how much she owe me..she speaks more singlish than so many peopl in singapore,you see how influential singaporean is in their langguage. she just syudied there barely a year and half.
i want to post so many pictures of all the things that ive been doing up,but my stupid computer just wont do it for me. i dont know why i cant say these. but i still gonna say it. i miss singapore so much,really.i know its great here but things are really hard to adapt,especially when i grew up in singapore. tell me how do a singaporean live in such a place here,so strange and stranded.
i miss hairy.
The reason it hurts so much to seperate is because our souls are connected.
Maybe they always have been and will be.
Maybe we've lived a thousand lives beforethis one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time,we've been forced apart for the same reasons.
That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.
When i look at you,i see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived.
And i know i have spent every life before this one searching for you.
Not someone like you,but you,for your soul and mine must always come together.
And then,for some reasons neither of us understands,we've been forced to say goodbye.
I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us,and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does.
But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye,i know we will see each other in another life.
We will find each other again,and maybe the stars will have changed,and we will not only love each other in that time,but for all the times we've had before.
okay, this time its almost the same thing again. im starting to get sick of facing all these nonsense that my family is having. my brother is the most irritating guy anyone could ever known. he is so lazy that i wish i could burn him alive. his actions are burning my ass to the bone,i dont know how my mum can stand loving such kid. he;s so childish and selfish.. all he cares is only he and his car. only know how to modify and modify. he's so irrespondsible. he never speak nicely towards his family,or perhaps to anyone that he know. this is so annoying,especially when mum alwas ask him to do things or seek his help to do someth,he'll always :"apa sih?!!"(in indo) meaning "what??!!" he is the most ungrateful creature that have ever inhabited on this planet. he is freaking a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g me. mums health is not getting any better and she always have to use her high screaming voice to talk to him. and i hate that. hate to hear it and hate the fact that its worsening her health. and today i ask him to take me to dads place becus he feels so lonely and he wants some concern from his family,he doesnt want to take me there. he choose his friends instead,i wouldnt need him to drive me if i knew how to myself. he doesnt know how to draw the line between whats important and whats not,or who is and who is not. he keeps having this thinking in his mind that he'll never go poor. he'll always have my father to support and that he only must enjoy now. i wish i can swear so much now but i forgot how to already, ive never used those words for quite sometime. i just had a fight with him and we are both not talking,he is already eighteen! why cant he be independent like how i am when im 16 in singapore?? indo kids are just so spoilt. or maybe..its how you want to choose yourself to be.
god,when will i have the chance to dependent on someone? in singapore,i have only myself to fall on.here,likewise. i want to grow up and pursue my future faster.
i dont want to see my parents suffering under the mental tormentation that their only son,my brother, is giving them.
i wish he is like me.