Do you ever wonder why things have to turn out the way they do? Life , i've learned , is never fair. But i know all these have to happen because its Lord's plan.I'm frightened and i feel helpess, and even though i'm trying, things continue to get harder and harder - for the both of us.And the more i try, the more hopeless things seem. So i gave up trying. And now, it's all gone. Perhaps long sleeping term would help me with my situation right now. It was a tragic ending.( i don't need your sympathy, you don't have to care about my issues anymore if deep down you don't feel like and you think its wrong.)Te double depression that i'm going through is making my life completely and utterly at loss. why must i always be te one who get hurt in the end. is it true i shouldn't put my heart, mindset and soul on something? why not. is it wrong being true to myself? History is repeating. And was the whole thing just a fragment of my imagination? what i've ssen in my love life had led me to question god's purpose. Maybe i'm going to stop blogging for now. And will get on it months later, or maybe never again. when i'm nice and sweet, i'm taken granted. when i am compliant and give in, i'm discounted.when i give up or give in, i'm taken advantage of. when i am a door mat, i get stepped on.when i am diffcult, i am taken into account. when i won't compromise, i'm respected.when i am demanding and angry, others defer to me. when i am most tough, others listen up. is this the way it must be?Must i become what i don't want. To get what i want, to have what i need to be?
my grades werent exactly what i expected . out of six,four are d7s. i know its horrendous but ive learnt,i will pass all te next time. it will be a must. Despite te outer calm i was trying t maintain it,it was clear i was pretty much of a wreck.
mrs rahjas gona call/see unc. id bet my life on it.just what am i going t say t him? ''having strayed this far,i realised my mistakes and should stop thinking so far..''rah-rah speech and all te i should haves?
My grades were sucha dissapointment.
mum have been a bit worried about my femaleness lately, somewhere along te line i seem t have picked up tho many male hormones. mum wants me t see te doctor about it,as usual..she was te most unsympathetic.
shes been calling me so much lately,i remembered her saying te same ol sentence :''please wear skirt grow your hair long and promise ,swear,give me your word ,that you will see te doctor about your 'red flag'problem. period. Exams are nearing,and te sight of books make me ill.So many work unchecked. dont even bother looking at it. i think that explains my sore throat. result of ca1 will be out this friday even without seeing , i know ill do badly. just look at all those past tests i took. its either a digit over two / two digits below 50 over three. its been hard trying t concentrate . te thought of te future career gives me so much encouragement and hopes. but still ,im disappointed with all those marks . :/ i miss spy.
I'll tell you flat out.It hurts so much to think of this,so from my thoughts i will exclude. The very thing that,i hate more than everything is the way im powerless,to dictate my own moods.
Ive thrown away,so many things that could have been much more.And i just pray,my problems will go away if theyre ignored.But thats not the way it works....(not finished)
<< this is just some shit .okay,nevermind.Ben should understand what it means.
My dear brother is undergoing some serious depressions.Well,over some love 'game' . I wished im a love doctor ,i want t get him out of te shithole but hell hes fallling even deeper and obviously hes not doing te least favor t himself by pulling himself up. I tried helping him but hes one helluva stubborn wuss,bottomline t him is : he believes that hes alwas right and no facts could get his mind t think straight.I dont know what t do anymore,i guess i have lost hopes in friendship now.
My throat hurts like some motherfuckers.I need those pills now!TIFFANY!!
Must i wait till thursday when i think by that time itll be hopeless even for any pills?anws,i miss you :)
finally i watched fd3.yes,it was fucking fuck gruesome.Te killings tho gross that it got my heart racing.Ill never go tanning again!Not if its on purpose. im sleepy,got t get my ass up early tomorrow if not detention.nights