I have t start with my art seriously now.I havent done a single shit.I need help!:( been focusing on gears designing,fantasizing, and 'how t get a depressed person out of depressions' no time fr my school books,thou i did try studying fr my tests.Ive got alot of test next week again.Graduating years so different from any other years.Its like a routine t have test every week and its getting on my raw nerves,and its not just one.its two or three.I think ill go bald.
anws,heres a story of a girl somehows going through te similar situation as you are(but shed healed) i know you will tho.i believe :)
As te days pass slowly and te weeks creep by,
i find myself obsessing about ways that i could die.
i lay awake at night,thinking of my pain,
theres no way it can get better.i have nothing left t gain.
suddenly te thought of death are controlling my envy moves
and every battle with my mind i alwas seem t lose,i no longer want t be around.
the people i love all that i can think about is whats waiting up above.
i cut my arms with razor blades t dull te pain inside but that can only last so long.
i dont want t be alive.I manage t keep my composure when people are around.
they wouldnt understand me so i dont make a sound.
i smiled when i have t ,i break down when i dont .
i know i should be strong.
but also know i wont.
so i make a plan t take some pills.
it shouldnt take tho long,i write out notes t all my friends.
to read whn i am gone.i ask my mum t understand that life is just tho hard.
my mind cant fight it anymore,my heart is tho scarred.
i plan it out so perfectly.i even set te date.im pretty sure im ready.
i know that this is my fate.my bed is made up neatly as i take them one by one
i start t feel a little scared.i know im almost done
all i can think about is how im letting go and
how much i love my family i really hope they know.
my eyes are getting heavy.my body feels so weak and evrything inside is numb.
thats te way it has t be.im glad moms not ere right now.
to watch me slowly die.
but i still wish i could say,'' i love you and goodbye''
i give in t darkness.i slowly slip away.i hope i go t heaven,when dark night turns t day.
i woke up in confusion.i dont know where i am ,
is this heaven ,or is it hell?te land of te eternally damned?
there are people all around,although i can barely see,
i can hear te soothing voices of people dear t me.
my family and friends are here comforting one another.
i can hardly make out any words until i hear my mother.
each tear she cries feels like a knife stabbing at my soul.
i let my pain and suffering blind me from my goal.
at one point i was determined t make it through this test t lead a life of fufillment
and t do my very best.
but i somehow lost all sight of that i hope she can forgive.
i promise not t waste my second chance t live.i sit up in my hospital bed
tears streaming down my cheeks,my mother rushes over crying
like she havent seen me in weeks.i tell her that im sorry,
for causing her so much strife.i tell her that i will succeed in leading a better life.
together we figured out a way for me t get some help
i know now that i can go t her,instead of doing it by myself.
i know that its not over yet.its a long road up ahead.but i appreciate te little things.
becus i could be dead.ive learned t live each passing day as if it were my last.
i look forward t te future and im learning from my past.
Jesus said owning alot of things wont make your life safe.Is there anyone who can tell me anything t support that belief?
It was rather tho much of a good thing,i stayed at home today.Well,planned t work out at orchird but unc was busy.
Te speed of time is increasing,i could remember vividly what i did fr te past month cu sevrything that happened seems like yesterday.This whole things freaking me out.
Tomorrows another new day in school,ive been rather ratty .I dont bother studying anymore. :/
I miss te hangout i had with Dez and my soccer,i need t get a good gloves and start training t fall onto ceramic floor on my sides.You know,as they alwas say ;start with something tough. Overcome my falling fear during te catch in te match. :) I need t shake off those fats i accumulated.
suddenly: i thought about my hairdressing career.So great,imagine driving that black/metallic white audi tt,looking all so salubrious..Im not superficial.Im just tho ambitious.But im compassionate. :)
im so worn out now.ima go t sleep .jollynight.
Finally here t rant again.Woots.Went town with fanny.Was SUPPOSED t watch i not stupid tho (this local movie)today.I dont watch local movies but becus i decided t give my emotion a test, ill watch.But we watched fearless instead.Its a not bad show thou some parts got me dozing,te fighting was really cool,my nerves ,agitated. Ben called,hes crazy.he said he wants t get back at this molester.I told him no,but he insisted.So perhaps ,well go tgth t find that asshole.Ben wants t find by hook or crook,as a brother ill follow and see what he wil be up t.
Todays just like any other day.Tomorrow chinese test.Next week ..a whole load more tests.Te pressures already setting in.Anws,times really ticking fast.Its febuary already,and soon ill be legal and older.Sighs,ive tried t give a true accounting of what ive done .i do not pressume t understand te course of my life ,but i know im grateful t have partaken of all this,even if for a moment.
It isnt time for reminiscing,im sleeping now.
School tomorrow.Night.
id wish i was a pig ,a real piglet with curly cute tail. :D whtever